I must confess

photography : daybreak magazine

SINCE BECOMING A MUM I'VE FOUND THE QUESTION, "SO WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE?", A LOT HARDER TO ANSWER THAN IT EVER WAS BEFORE.  IS IT JUST ME OR DOES IT OFTEN FEEL AS THOUGH THE RESPONSE, "I'M A MUM" IS SIMPLY NOT GOOD ENOUGH? IT'S A BIT OF A SLAP IN THE FACE TO HAVE YOUR EFFORTS GO UNRECOGNISED, PARTICULARLY WHEN YOU'RE STARTING TO FEEL AS THOUGH YOU NEVER STOP.  I DON'T KNOW ABOUT EVERYBODY ELSE BUT FOR ME THIS PARTICULAR ISSUE HAS TRIGGERED COUNTLESS INTERNAL RANTS.  ALTHOUGH IT'S EMBARRASSING TO CONFESS, IT'S TRUE, I WOULD STAND THERE IN THE KITCHEN, THINKING UP ENTIRE DEFENSES FOR MYSELF.  "I'M WORKING HARD.  I DON'T TAKE BREAKS, I'M SLEEP DEPRIVED AND TRYING MY BEST.  WHY CAN NOBODY UNDERSTAND THIS, OR IS IT JUST THAT NO ONE CARES?"

AS SOON AS YOU HAVE A CHILD, YOU ARE THROWN INTO THIS WHIRLWIND OF "DOING".  EVERYTHING NEEDS TO BE DONE FOR YOUR BABY AND YOU FIND YOURSELF SO BUSY AND SO TIRED, A LOT OF THE TIME YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH YOURSELF.  WHAT EXHAUSTED AND STRESSED ME OUT THE MOST WAS THE FACT THAT I WAS STRUGGLING, IMMENSELY,  TO KEEP ON TOP OF EVERYTHING BUT SIMPLY UNABLE TO SAY THE WORDS, "SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME".  I WANTED THINGS TO BE PERFECT.  I WANTED EVERYTHING I HAD PLANNED TO GET DONE, TO BE DONE, AND WHEN THEY WEREN'T I SECRETLY FELT AS THOUGH I HAD FAILED BUT AT THE SAME TIME, I REFUSED TO ADMIT IT.  I WANTED TO PRETEND THAT EVERYTHING WAS OKAY, THAT EVERYTHING WAS AS CLOSE TO BEING PERFECT AS IT COULD BE.  MOTHERHOOD WAS ALL SO NEW, SO UNFAMILIAR AND SO HARD.  IT TOOK ME A WHILE TO REALISE THAT IT WASN'T JUST ME WHO WAS FINDING IT DIFFICULT, IT WAS EVERY NEW MUMMA. 

AS A YOUNG MUM, (I WAS ALMOST 22 WHEN MY SON WAS BORN) I HAD ANOTHER ISSUE HANGING OVER MY HEAD.  FROM THE MINUTE I DECIDED TO KEEP GABE, AND NOT OPT FOR AN ABORTION, I'D FELT AS THOUGH PEOPLE WERE, IN A SENSE, WAITING FOR ME TO FAIL.  I WANTED TO PROVE THEM WRONG.  EVEN THOUGH, LOOKING BACK ON IT NOW, I'M SURE A LOT OF THE NEGATIVE THOUGHTS I WAS HAVING WERE ONLY IN MY HEAD AND A REFLECTION OF MY OWN PARANOIA.  I HAD THIS SENSE OF DETERMINATION TO DO A GOOD JOB, TO BE A GOOD MUM AND TO MAKE EVERYTHING WORK AND WORK WELL.  AS SOON AS GABE WAS BORN, I REALISED IT WASN'T AS EASY AS IT LOOKED.  THE SLEEPLESS NIGHTS, WEEKS, MONTHS, THE ONGOING CHORES, THE LACK OF "ALONE TIME", IT ALL TAKES ITS TOLL.  I WAS TRYING REALLY HARD NOT TO DROP THE BUNDLE AND WAS HONESTLY GIVING IT EVERYTHING I HAD BUT STILL, THE SUFFERING WAS THERE, EVEN THOUGH I REFUSED TO SAY SO. 

IT WAS MY LACK OF EXPRESSION AND INABILITY TO CALL OUT FOR HELP AND CONFESS TO THE WAY I WAS FEELING THAT MADE ME FEEL TRAPPED AND INTERNALLY BATTERED.  I CAN'T PLACE ENOUGH IMPORTANCE ON OUR NEED TO BE EXPRESSIVE, PARTICULARLY AT THE BEGINNING, WHEN HAVING A CHILD IS SO NEW AND OVERWHELMING.  WE REALLY NEED TO SPREAD THE MESSAGE THAT IT IS NORMAL TO NOT BE DOING OKAY.  IT IS NORMAL TO FEEL LIKE YOU'RE ON ANOTHER PLANET MOST OF THE TIME (AS A RESULT OF SEVERE LACK OF SLEEP).  IT IS NORMAL TO FEEL A SENSE OF REGRET FROM TIME TO TIME.  I GENUINELY BELIEVE THAT NO FIRST TIME MUM FINDS THE EARLY STAGES EASY AND WE NEED TO STICK TOGETHER, WE NEED TO BE THERE FOR EACH OTHER.  IF WE ARE THE ONES SUFFERING, WE SHOULD MAKE IT OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO LET PEOPLE KNOW.  IF WE'RE THE ONES FEELING STRONG AND CAN SEE OTHER MOTHERS LOSING HOPE, WE NEED TO BE THE ONES TO HOLD OUT OUR HANDS.  

PARENTING IS LIKE A YO-YO, IT'S SO UP AND DOWN.  SOMETIMES YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'RE THE HAPPIEST PERSON ON THE PLANET AND OTHER TIMES YOU JUST, DON'T.  FEELING CRAPPY IS NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF, IT'S PERFECTLY NATURAL.  THE IMPORTANT THING IS TO FIND A GOOD, SOLID, METHOD OF COPING, ONE THAT YOU CAN REFER TO WHENEVER YOU'RE FEELING LOW.

I THINK WE ALL REACH A POINT, WHERE WE BEGIN TO SEE THINGS THROUGH CLEARER SHADES.  FOR ME, AS SOON AS I BEGAN TO REALISE THAT OTHER PEOPLE'S NEGATIVE THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS WERE INSIGNIFICANT, I FOUND MYSELF FEELING STRONGER AND LESS WEIGHED DOWN BY THE FEAR OF "WHAT PEOPLE MIGHT THINK".  FINALLY, I BEGAN TO UNDERSTAND THAT BOTH MY WELL BEING AND ABILITY TO BE A GOOD MOTHER WAS BEING COMPROMISED BY MY LACK OF BOTH POSITIVITY AND SELF LOVE.  I THINK IT TAKES ABOUT THE FIRST FOUR OR FIVE MONTHS TO GET YOUR SLEEP BACK (OR AT LEAST SOME OF IT!) AND TO START PUTTING A ROUTINE IN PLACE.  BY THIS STAGE YOU'RE ACTUALLY ABLE TO SIT DOWN AND CONTEMPLATE LIFE, IF ONLY FOR A MINUTE OR TWO, IN ORDER TO GAIN AN UNDERSTANDING OF YOUR EMOTIONS.  DURING THIS TIME YOU CAN START TO PIECE THINGS BACK TOGETHER, FIND YOUR STRENGTH AGAIN AND VISUALISE A FUTURE THAT MAKES YOU FEEL GOOD.

NOT EVERYONE UNDERSTANDS WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A NEW PARENTS AND NOT EVERYONE IS ABLE TO COMPREHEND THE OFTEN CRIPPLING CHALLENGES YOU GO THROUGH IN AN ATTEMPT TO DO THE RIGHT THING BUT WHAT'S MORE IMPORTANT, IS THAT A LOT OF PEOPLE DO.  A LOT OF COMPASSIONATE AND CONCERNED PEOPLE OUT THERE UNDERSTAND EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH AND ARE MORE THAN WILLING TO OFFER YOU THEIR LOVE, SUPPORT AND SOMETIMES LIFE CHANGING WISDOM.  THESE ARE THE PEOPLE WE HAVE TO REMEMBER TO REACH OUT TO DURING TIMES OF INTENSE DIFFICULTY.  THESE PEOPLE WILL BE THE ONES WHO LEAD YOU BACK INTO THE LIGHT, ALONG WITH THE POWER OF YOUR OWN MIND, STRENGTH AND DESPERATE DESIRE TO MAKE THINGS FEEL REAL AGAIN.